purpleaubergine (purpleaubergine) wrote in uk_depression25,

whoah, new people!

people have joined! yay!

personally i'm pleased, something is growing that isn't my waistline!

not much else to be pleased about right now - 60mg of fluoxetine and i'm still miserable and pessimistic most of the time, apthetic the rest and unable to sleep well ever.

tried mirtazapine but that just made me fat and REALLY depressed. though i could sort of sleep.

so back on fluoxetine, and yanked up from 40mg to 60mg - hopefully just for the winter.

i do loathe bad weather - the howling winds and rain make me feel like it really isn't worth getting up/getting dressed/going out - so unless i have to, i don't.

i stay in bed with my laptop and distract the hours away til i realise sadly another day has passed, i'm another day older, and i've achieved nothing, done nothing, spoken to no one, and nothing has really improved - and i've done nothing to make things any different. it's defeat. i suppose. defeated by life.

after so many years i see no point - nothing seems to be worth making the effort for anymore. i don't look forward to things, i don't get excited by events or the prospect of seeing people, even friends. i just feel sad and angry and frustrated that my life seems so pointless and everyone else is going somewhere and i'm just wilting.

so, from here, despair - to where?

it's the futility of carrying on more than anything that makes it the worst - and knowing that the best things in my life are in the past and nothing i can ever say or do will make them come back and make my life enjoyable anymore.

at least not like it should be, or how it could have been had i been different or done things differently...
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